Make sure she catches you working

When she arrives home at noon on Saturday having spent hours pushing a trolley around, standing in queues, and getting hot and bothered, it won’t do for her to find you lying on the sun-lounger with a beer, perusing a men’s magazine.

As she emerges, yelling for your assistance with the shopping, make sure that you are to be found diligently performing one of the following tasks: changing a light bulb, de-flea-ing the cat, making the bed, washing the dog or car, hanging a picture, or planting bulbs.

On no account be caught practising putting, swimming, playing snooker, sun-tanning, sleeping or (heaven forbid!) drinking alcohol.

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The dishcloth

Bachelors of long standing will encounter difficulty in differentiating between these and other cloths. A useful tip is that they are usually fairly clean and hang in the vicinity of the kitchen sink.

For some reason ladies become particularly irate when these special cloths are commandeered for outside duty. So if you are in a rush and it’s the only cloth in sight, the severity of your anticipated scolding can be calculated by the approximate age and hue of the pilfered rag.

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When she attempts to draw you into an argument

This is a time-honoured ploy most effectively executed by nipping at your Achilles heel, usually when you’re a sitting duck.

You may have just awoken from a deep and peaceful slumber, or be making your face becomingly smooth. It takes a man of substance and considerable restraint to maintain the status quo at these times.

Behold the cardinal rule: Agree with her. Bear in mind that becoming embroiled in the subject matter is tantamount to surrender and can be compared to ironing one’s own shirts.

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When she packs her bags

This behaviour can be likened to a rhino faking a charge. What she’s trying to indicate is that she’s come to the end of her tether and no longer wishes to tolerate your (so-called) nonsense. Although she doesn’t really intend to move out, encouragement should only be voiced if you really want her to go. However, overdoing it may persuade her to stay just to spite you. So handle this pantomime with caution.

Besides, finding you have to make your own breakfast in the morning could prove a nuisance. And using the flat tyre excuse when you arrive late at the office, hands black from polishing your own shoes, could raise a few laughs.

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The back massage

This is one thing she can never get enough of. So expect complaints if her requests for a little massage are turned down or ignored. And if you do comply, expect protestations when you’ve had enough of kneading the dough.

Your position therefore is that if you are unmasked as a masseur of some ability, your services will frequently be in demand, and satisfaction will never be attained. Dissemble if necessary.

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Overflowing wardrobes and nothing to wear

Any suggestion to throw out all the junk she never wears will be met with fierce resistance. And attempts to reason with her when she’s flinging them about in a rage trying to find something to wear, only provides a welcome target for her choler. If you’re a witty fellow skilled at provocation, remind her of who it was that bought it all in the first place.

At this point any matador-type training you may have received in Spain will stand you in good stead. Remember to chant “Ole!” each time you’ve sidestepped a missile. And then hope that your gut is not accidentally ripped asunder by a flailing horn.