The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is “What does a woman want?” – Sigmund Freud

Now, as we know, Freud was neither the first nor the last emboldened genius to come to grief with that question. We admire the courage and vaulting ambition of these men, and observe their tribulations from afar. Our aim is fortunately far more modest and practical: we ask only what women might conceivably want in certain common situations, and, no less important, what they should get. Even so, to presume to offer actual guidance to others in this regard would be rank lunacy. Let us be quite clear, then: each man must fight his own lonely battle, buoyed by the solidarity of the suffering mass.

In aid of such buoyancy, this whimsical, desperate gesture at interpretation of the human female is offered. It cannot be sufficiently stressed that the foe is wily, determined, paranoid, and ruthless to an astonishing degree. Can a fellow be fair-minded, generous, and accommodating toward these people without abject capitulation to tyranny? Of this the reader must judge. Certainly, many have perished in the attempt, many been driven out of their wits, many limped from the field, nerves shattered. Gentlemen who have remained standing when the smoke clears, uniformly attribute their scarcely believable heroism and resilience to a sense of humour that never flags. Without it, all is lost.